Trial #10 Still Trying To Find My Rainbow After The Rain

I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. - C.S. Lewis

It’s been over a year since my last post, and 2024 turned out to be one of the busiest years for me.

But the end of the year brought a series of unexpected challenges that shook me to my core. Discovering that the leader I was supposed to look up to was, in reality, deeply flawed was a rude awakening. It’s a harsh reminder that not all leaders embody the qualities they preach.

If that wasn’t discouraging enough, our research findings—which my team poured our hearts and minds into—were dismissed and ridiculed, as if they were nothing more than a figment of our imagination. Instead of embracing the results, we were told to sweep them under the carpet. It was disheartening, to say the least.

Then came the news of our 'supposed mobilization.' Apparently, instead of our leaders justifying why we should remain in our positions, we’re now expected to prove our own worth—pleading our case for why we deserve to stay in our current institutions. This process, while labeled as “necessary,” feels like an exhausting, vicious cycle that undermines the years of hard work, dedication, and contributions we’ve made. Maintaining work-life balance while navigating this system has become a constant struggle.

As I write this, my placement remains uncertain. Will I stay here, or will I be one of the “lucky” ones to be kicked out? Whatever the outcome, I can’t deny the toll this situation has taken on me. I’ve lost the spark and drive that once fueled my passion to serve. Since the start of 2025, I’ve been consumed by a sense of being unwanted. Unmotivated and adrift, I find myself going through the motions, weighed down by the lack of strong leadership within my institute. Witnessing the glaring absence of direction and drive in my leader has only deepened my disillusionment.

Adding to this, my institution is tasked with organizing a quarterly event. But coordination is proving to be difficult—our team is fragmented, with everyone holding onto their own ideas without proper communication. WhatsApp messages have replaced face-to-face discussions, creating misunderstandings and resistance to new perspectives and ideas. In my current demotivated state, all of this feels like an uphill battle, with no one to turn to.

So here I am, venting my thoughts in the hope of finding clarity.

Despite everything, I pray to find the hikmah in these challenges soon. Until then, I’ll keep searching for the silver linings amidst the dark clouds. My ultimate goal is to achieve ikhlas in my work and gradually lift the fog from my heart.

Aaminn.

Never lose hope. Storms make people stronger and never last forever. -Roy T. Bennet